I wouldn't say I live purely for the weekend but I love finishing off the Monday to Friday work schedule with a game of staff football in the sports hall. One of the benefits of being a teacher is that this type of activity is free. It's also the perfect way to blow away any stress threatening to dig its claws in. We play five against five and usually have to rope in a couple of ex-pupils to make up the ten. This obviously raises the pace of the game and coupled with the fact the playing area is bigger than average, our 50-minute kickabout is quite a strenuous one.
The rules of "fives" vary widely but there are a few fundamentals. There is a semi-circle painted in front of each goal and the keeper must not leave this area. Conversely, outfield players may not enter. Some games have a head-height restriction for the ball but we don't enforce this. That suits me as I'm of the opinion that contesting high balls is part of the game and only becomes an issue if people deliberately start punting up in the air for the sake of it. We change goalkeepers every five minutes but, again, practices differ here. At my old school a goalie was relieved of his duties after letting one in (or becoming bored, whatever was the shorter). We also permit shooting from anywhere. In some matches you are not allowed to score until you cross a red line. Finally, offside? Doesn't exist!
I played a bit of indoor football as a teenage schoolboy. A few of us formed a little league and the name of my side was PVC Dynamite. This was swiftly changed to a more professional moniker - The Kingdom Kickers. An association magazine was produced (handwritten and xeroxed) which featured match previews, reports and team profiles. We must have had too much free time on our hands in the sixth-year common room. Well it was the pre-internet age. Our star striker Paul Westwater - still my best mate - had long straight hair and was naturally invited to write a column known as the Hippy Hit Page. This featured stunning witticisms such as "Benarty FC are no longer virgins as they have now been f**ked by every team in the league" Oh, the banter!
Somewhat predictably, the competition fizzled out due to fixtures not being fulfilled. I do remember my dad being drafted in as an emergency signing for the Kickers at one point. I recall another guy being dropped because his skills were lacking. An inevitable consequence of playing for points rather than just enjoying a friendly run-out. I was good enough between the sticks to be installed as permanent goalkeeper and therefore kept my place in the squad. Amazingly, this situation still rears its head today when we enter staff/pupil events and I receive an invitation to keep goal for the top-seeded teachers team.
Whilst working as a supply teacher in my mid-to-late 20s, I played a bit of fives here and there. I don't recall making much of an impression, probably because I spent most of the game running around like a headless chicken. My (footballing) career got started probably a decade later. Yes folks, I was something of a late developer. We got a weekly game up and running at Queen Anne High School and I found my niche as a man who keeps things tight in defence. Given the fact I struggled to hit the proverbial coo's erse with a banjo up front, I discovered a strong rearguard is a a big asset in fives as so many goals are leaked away during the course of a game due to a team giving the ball away cheaply while having every man pushed up, leaving them wide open to a counter attack. I became known as The Great Wall of Fraser (hey it's my blog and I'll damn well blow my own trumpet!).
I really enjoy my weekly workout at St Andrew's High School. It's a very competitive game - but not to a silly extent. I'm approaching 50 but still managing to hold my own. I just want to keep playing as long as I can. I've shared the field with players who literally couldn't kick a ball to those who have played against Edson Arantes do Nascimento - also known as Pelé. Yes, both these statements are true! Student teacher Keith Legg once participated and his first "touch" resulted in a fresh-air swipe that saw him land flat on his backside. Slightly further up the footballing scale was a retired English teacher - Ken McPhee - who came back to do a lot of supply work. It was obvious he had played organised football in the past but was always rather dismissive about this, mumbling that he'd been signed to a couple of lower-league teams in England.
After my final game at Queen Anne, we decamped to the Commercial Inn for a couple of pints. I demanded to know a bit more about Ken's career and he told me he'd gone across to America in the mid-70s to play in the North American Soccer League (NASL). Initially founded in 1968 and picked up by network television in 1975, the competition attempted to establish football as a professional sport in the States. These heady days are excellently chronicled in the documentary movie Once in a Lifetime. A raft of star players from Europe and South America were imported, mainly those nudging their mid-30s: Franz Beckenbauer and Gerd Müller arrived from Germany while British legends George Best and Booby Moore tried their luck, no doubt tempted by the prospect of a late-career windfall.
Realising it needed to sell to North Americans the sport of soccer, which was still foreign to most people, the NASL modified the game rules in an attempt to make its product more exciting and comprehensible to the average sports fan. A stadium clock counted the match time down to zero and drawn games were eliminated by proceeding straight to a penalty shoot-out. Not the standard 12-yard spot-kicks we have become accustomed to. The Americans opted for an ice-hockey-style scenario whereby the attacker started 35 yards from goal and had 5 seconds to do whatever he liked. Likewise the goalkeeper could move without restriction. There is a great scene in the film where an Italian player coolly lobs the advancing keeper from 30 yards to win the league title. Offside remained a part of the game but a 35-yard line was drawn across the pitch and player's could only be caught offside within that final zone. This had the effect of widening the play.
The glamour team was the New York Cosmos (with whom Pelé spent three seasons) but overall the attendances failed to match expectations and TV coverage was axed in 1980, with the league falling apart a few years later. Nowadays there is a professional scene in the States once again and the national side can compete with the best in the world. However it was a fledgling sport back in Pelé's day - so much so that when Warner Communications chief executive Steve Ross - who had invested heavily in the NY Cosmos - was advised about the availability of the world's most famous footballer, he replied "great, but who's Pelé?"
Of course the ageing international icons were just a sprinkling of quality among the rank and file foreign imports. It appears Ken had secured a Stateside contract and found himself one day on the same pitch as the Brazilian legend. Seven degrees of separation? I'm way closer to the source baby! I bumped into Ken recently at a historical society meeting. He introduced me to his wife as "the best footballer at Queen Anne"
Aye, because you could never get past me :-)
Suddenly it was over! For two years anyway. Here I am in May 2022, preparing to enter the hallowed sports hall once again. The final Covid restrictions have been lifted in schools. Having not run in earnest for such a long time, nor kicked a ball, I've no idea how I'll fare. Two things should help soften the impact: We have assembled a mature squad of ten staff, hence no need to invite 20-year-old former pupils. Also, the game is being played along the road at Kirkcaldy High School, which has a smaller playing arena. Our facility is currently hosting exams. Rather ominously, the comeback fixture is taking place on Friday the 13th.
As expected, I struggled to get involved in the game and posed little threat to the opposition. I was simply glad to complete an hour's play without coming to a standstill or picking up an injury. The endless miles of walking have helped me maintain a level of fitness, although a different set of muscles are obviously required for the stop/start action in a fives hall. This was evident the following day as I hobbled downstairs on stiff legs.
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